A Poetic Life ::The Heart of the Matters

I hear he has a Big Black...

After following up some other blogs today, I came across the media blitz that happened a while ago over Dorion Standberry from College Hill. There was a big blurb about Dorion because he had nude pictures involuntarily released on the net. Many of the blogs talked about how, even though it was horrible that he got nude pictures released, he was at least hung. I kind of cruised over that statement the first time until I thought “wait…what if he wasn’t hung?” What if his dick wasn't as big as it is? What would happen then? Would his dick size then be a source of shame as opposed to celebration? Would his self worth as a sexual being be diminished in lieu of having a phallus (a symbol or representation of penis) that was deemed "ordinary" or "small?"

That brought me to the big dick discourse that pervades our culture. You know the

conversations "size matters" and "Viagra"; in all our talk about maleness and male sexuality, we cannot avoid talking about the dick. We need to talk about the way in which maleness and sexual worth is often tied up to how long, thick and wide your dick is and how that has traumatized, wounded and really created a culture of insecurity and pain in men who have different dick sizes, those who do not have dicks, and those who define their sexuality primarily through a phallocentric lens (in other words those of us who believe that sex=dick; the dick is the center, and all other acts outside of penetration are just "foreplay". Stop looking at me funny. These people exist.) You all know what I'm talking about. We need to also talk about how over obsession with penetration and orgasm are directly linked to many heterosexual women’s inability to have orgasms because, well, it’s really not about you is it? No honey, it’s about the dick. I’ve worked with hundreds of men, and when asked, I can count on one hand how many of them said they even ever asked their female sexual partners what they desired.

So let’s have talking points, shall we?

1). I've talked to a lot of men, straight and gay alike, who speak about how through the consumption of pornography they learned that their sexual valor would be defined by how big their dicks were and how hard they could fuck. Many of the men talked about being really unsure about their penis size and feeling insecure about sexual performance.

2). African American men, in particularly, expressed a lot of concern over not being

a "real black man" because they don't have long "jungle dicks" (they’re words, not mine). And this in itself had further created disconnection from their bodies; they felt "less than" and that lack of fulfillment in themselves led to a lot of abusive and controlling behaviors toward their partners. They were especially jealous of any other male attention their partners received. What was the fear about? He might have a bigger dick than me. Of course, this is connected to internalize racism because where did this stereotype of the "big black dick" come from?

3). It came from racism and the fear of black male sexuality; the construction of black men as jungle monkeys, who were out to fuck white women with their huge black dicks and "stain their purity". Interestingly enough, that stereotype, which I believe is so destructive, is embraced by many black men. Perhaps one of the reasons black men hold onto the big black dick theory is because it is in many ways an attempt to replace the masculinity that racism has not allowed us access. The fact is that while many white men have access to white privilege and economics as a way to demonstrate power over others, many men of color have only had access to their bodies as a way to demonstrate power. What’s jacked up is that the embrasure of this ideology still fuels racism and the murdering of black male bodies everyday. It’s a no-win situation.

4). I’ve also spoken with Trans men, who do not have a penis, and they speak of

the desire for a phallus (a symbol or representation of the penis); and they feel that because they do not have the appendage, there is something intrinsically missing about their maleness. I’ve spoken with older men and disabled men, who because of prostrate cancer or another condition cannot "get it up" or "squirt it out" and now are struggling with the idea that their maleness is in question and their sexual worth is null and void. But is maleness really all about the dick? Can we make our maleness, our male sexuality, about something else besides the dick to help us all have better sex lives?

5). I wonder what it would be like if our manhood as men was not measured in inches? Can a man who is impotent or has a hard time getting an erection still have a rich and healthy sex life? Can he still be celebrated and honored as a sexual being? Can he value himself? Can we create a world where comparison of bodies in this "standardized norm" does not make someone “less than”?

6). How can we imagine sex so that our dicks are not just weapons we plow through someone, and so that no matter what we have, we can love and appreciate our bodies and gain and give sexual pleasure? I believe that we who identify as men have a lot of work to do in relationship to our bodies and to sex. We have to find ways to have the difficult conversations that are necessary for he al ing about our dicks, dick size-and learn to build a sense of inner-sexual worth regardless of where we fall on the spectrum.

We have to learn to embrace our bodies fully in all of its complexities and Author & Poet Yolo Akili

differences in order to experience the full realm of possibilities and pleasures it can bestow upon us. We have to learn to explore other mediums of pleasure that are not simply about “wham bam thank you Sam” and cum on some one's face. (Not to judge those desires if mutually shared; just some reflections). I would love to deepen this conversation. What do you think?

Yolo Akili is a poet, activist, author and Iyengar Yoga Teacher. He is the author of the Poetry Chapbook, Poems in the Key Of Green, and the upcoming spoken word CD "Purple Galaxy" due for release on 03/13/10. He can be reached via his website: YoloAkili.com

Spam prevention